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A Letter To My Daughter...

Hi baby, it’s mommy.

I know you can’t hear me right now and you’re stuck inside my body wanting to live a full life like I did but I wanted to let you know that you can’t.

That you’ll never be able to live freely.

You’ll never be able to take a peek into this world and see all the trouble it will cause you.

Instead you’ll live inside of me day in and day out rotting away as if you’re not my child and I’m an unfit mother that couldn’t take care of you.

I’m sorry. I am sorry.

Because if I would’ve just gotten a glimpse of what my life would’ve been 5 years ago, if I would’ve taken action and stopped myself from doing things that I shouldn’t have done. If I would’ve really listened to my body and wasn’t so caught up in living a life that only I could control. You would be here.

You would’ve been here long ago and I would’ve loved you without fear in my heart and I wouldn’t have tears every night but instead I would’ve wrapped my arms around you and never let you go.

I should’ve said yes to him.

I should’ve been married and had his children so that you could be here.

We would’ve been divorced but at least I would’ve had you near me.

I wonder what you look like?

I wonder if you would look like me and have the same eyes and hair, I wonder if your heart would be as big as mine.

I hope not.

I want you stronger than I ever was, I want you emotionally stable so that when someone comes along you’re not eager to give them the time of day you’re not desperate for the need of love because I would’ve shown you enough to never want from another.

I apologize to you.

I hate that you will never hear the stories of my life or see my facial expressions when I speak on things you’re too young to hear.

I wish I could touch you.

I bleed every month and I know you get sad when you see your sisters and brothers dying but I have no control over that.

I wish I bled every day because then I wouldn’t be so depressed to hear the words “damaged eggs”….

I pray you’re still healthy inside of me and you’re floating along waiting for your moment to shine.

I know you’ve got to be stubborn.

Hi, baby. It’s mommy….please still be alive.

I can’t wait to meet you.

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