I was laying down in my bed listening to Jhene Aiko trying to get my mind settled from the events that took place today regarding the decision of Roe v Wade. As I was laying here I started thinking about my childhood, randomly. I started processing the things that took place when it came to being bullied in middle school until high school. How every moment I went to school I hated, knowing that I wanted school to be an escape for me but it ended up being another obstacle, another thing I needed to get through. That's when I realized that I had no control over the events that happened when it came to my emotions, being bullied and how my relationship was with my father during this time.
I realized that being sexual back then was a way to have some control of how I felt. Although most times it didn't feel good, it gave me something to feel. It gave me an emotion that I created for myself. Until I realized that even having those emotions wasn't as healthy as I wanted them to be. Regardless, I noticed that in this life, in who I am today I hate not having control of my own emotions or choices. Even as an adult I have to do things before I am told or asked to do them because I hate feeling as though someone "made" me do it or even gave the suggestion to do so. I can admit that I have some growing to do, some more healing to do but to come to this realization made me smile, made me a little happy because now I can 100% understand why I was so furious today.
Not to say that the decision didn't make me angry but the fact that another choice was being taken from me. This gave me another reason to find something I can control. It sparked something I didn't know was there until I was about to go to sleep. So if you're reading this and you feel out of control, you feel as though your choices are being taken from you one by one I advise you to take that shit back. No matter what it is, whether its who you want to be with, where you decide you want to work, what you eat, make those decisions and choices for yourself. Don't feel bad for anything that you have decided to do because as we can see at anytime your choice, your opinion can be taken away from you at any given moment. Savior the choices you can make now and MAKE THEM.
I am still disgusted with today's events but as I continue to recognize the real problem and the things that I can physically control right now, I am starting to feel better so that I can make the proper adjustments to fight this fight.
Anyways, I love y'all. Goodnight.